Monthly Archives: January 2007

January and Blah? Nah!

Hmm.  It is a gray day today and I can’t stop yawning.  Couldn’t possibly have anything to do with being at the Y at 6:10am could it?  Especially since I didn’t get to bed until 11pm and woke at 4am having had a BAD dream.  (Anytime an exhusband is blugeoning someone to death in your house and then wanting to drink the placental fluid that the person just miscarried onto your floor it is a BAD dream…don’t you agree!) 

I expected the Y to be crowded this morning but it was empty…even got to use one of the new personalized orbitals with a television monitor.  Nifty.  My workout went well considering how lazy I have been this month.  AKA haven’t gotten my butt to the gym one time until today.  BUT I have lost 4 more pounds 🙂  That was a pleasant discovery. 

I just got an email from my cleaning lady.  My kitchen is clean, living room dusted and swept, and the bedroom has been swept.  Sigh.  Life is great! 

I got to hear Shostakovich at the symphony on Saturday.  Wonderfully spectacular.  I just love the drama of his pieces.  And the seats were good–behind the orchestra and up.  It was sort of like being “in” the orchestra.  But our new symphony hall is just beautiful and the accoustics are impeccable. 

Oh, on that note, pun intended, I’ll be starting drum lessons next Monday.  I’m excited as I haven’t played since I was in college.  This coming weekend I’m going to go shopping and decide if I will pay the $10 extra to use one of the teacher’s djembe drums or get my own.  Hmmm…

I finally feel like January is moving along.  Last week and the week before felt like time was standing still.  Isn’t it funny how it seems that way sometimes?  It isn’t like some days are 36 hours and some 12. 

I’m so excited about the Colts being in the Super Bowl.  I think it will just be *super*.  Ha, ha, ha.

BTW- Two television antennas got married up on the roof.  The ceremony was okay but the reception was great!

And on that note….

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Thoughtful

So I was all inspired to write something (can’t remember now what that was) this morning but had tasks I needed to complete first (man, doesn’t work just interfere with living sometimes?) and now I have nothing to say. 🙂

Okay, so that last bit is a stretch, how about nothing meaningful to say? I have this wonderful new Xbox game called Conker. Essentially you play a potty mouth, drunken squirrel (yes, there were no typos there…a cussing, drunk squirrel) that solves other characters problems. I think eventually he takes over the kingdom. Anyway, it is just hilarious and it is easy enough that I don’t mind to play it but challenging enough to keep my attention. I highly recommend it as a means of passing time most enjoyably.

I wish this thing had spell check 🙂

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C.S. Lewis Quotes and Ideas

The fruit you have is always the most delicious.

The beauty of the female is the root of joy to the female as well as the male.

Every action on part of humans was an attempt to regain the closeness with God of the Garden of Eden.

The Prodigal Son at least walked home on his own feet. But who can duly adore that Love which will open the high gates to a prodigal who is brought in kicking, struggling, resentful, and darting his eyes in every direction for a chance of escape?

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless–it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

“Child,” said the Voice, “I am telling you your story, not hers. I tell no one any story but his own.”  

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Neither French Fries nor German Chocolate Cake

can help me to figure out this mess I have made.  Why is it so easy for me to trust people and let them into my life and then so hard to let them go? 

 My mom has called me “emotionally retarded” before but I think this is not that.  In fact, I believe that in the past few years I may have even shirked that label.  Being able to confront things (okay, eventually) and express myself has really come around for me.  So, as I said, I don’t think this early trust and then reluctance to let go is that. 

BTW–Cake really is better at room temperature…

I know with every fiber of my being that my ease with people is just who I am.  That I share myself willingly unless my intuition sends up HUGE smoke signals that I shouldn’t.  And I don’t think this is necessarily a bad thing.  I think accepting people and welcoming them into my life or at least the line at the grocery store is okay. 

 So, I guess, the real issue lies in not letting people go once they are in.  At some point there has to be some sort of selection process right?  If it isn’t going to be at the beginning then I have to have the ovaries to cut people off and send them on their way once they prove they can’t be trusted or whatever it is that is the problem.  So, why do I find that so, so, so difficult?  Is it the notion that people aren’t perfect and deserve forgiveness?  Is it a lack of belief, on my part, that there is a better friend out there in the world for me?  Is it a leftover from not having very many (read any) friends at certain points in my childhood?  Is it my reluctance to “hurt” others?  Myself? 

The thing is, this isn’t a new revelation for me.  I have known this about myself for a long, long time.  But I still haven’t found an acceptable means of coping or dealing with it.  Poetry helps I guess.  So do the friends and others who say, “Um, Jenne, this isn’t good for you.”  But honestly.  Why can’t I learn this lesson?

Not being shy about prayer usually, I have no idea what to ask for here other than help!  But then all I can hear is, “Let not your heart be trouble for I am the Lord your God.” Okay, well…I need more than that!  Does that mean that I shouldn’t worry about offering unending acceptance and forgiveness (afterall isn’t it forgive 7 times 70? And who really keeps count?) because that is what God ultimately wants from everyone?  Or does it mean, don’t worry about letting people go because they weren’t really meant for me anyway and just to suck it up and deal and know that God is with me no matter how bitchy I feel when I don’t respond to an email because I am “done”.  Sigh.  The mystery of the path keeps things exciting I guess.

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