Monthly Archives: July 2009

Another Sunday morning Lost to Blogging

Yeah, I just looked at the clock and I’m going to miss church if I sit here and write.  I think I’m going to miss church.  Again. 

We finally have internet at the house.  Yay!   I feel like I have been cut off from the world for the past 2 weeks.  Oh, and we have a phone number too.  That’s exciting.  No one has called though.  🙂  Most of the people I’d want to call are out-of-state and my long distance plan won’t kick in for another 4-5 days.  So, hi to my California friends!  I want to call you today because you are off from work but I don’t have a long distance plan!  🙂  So sad.

I think I’m going to change the theme.  I’m tired of looking at peaceful greenery and waterfalls.  Uh,  I guess I should finish the post first.

The house is in exactly the same state of discombobulation it has been in since Day 4.  Yep.  The mattress is still on the floor surrounded by boxes of clothes.  I have hope that one day we will own enough hangers to finish the job.   (Although I heard a good description of the difference between hope and faith.  Hope is passive.  Faith is active and something you work towards.  Thus I will revise.)  I have great faith that one day we will own enough hangers to hang up all of our clothes.  

I should have bought some at Lowe’s last night.  I had like $90 worth of merchandise to buy.  I had, what I thought was a coupon for saving 15% if I spent $125.  So I pick out some additional odds and ends that are needed but not nescessarily on the list.  I go to check out.  My total?  $137.05.  Perfect.  Um, yeah, the coupon was for $150 purchse.  No, she can’t suspend the transaction.  Yes, we will have to rering everything.  So I called Mr. T. to find out what else we needed.  He remembers we need a hose.  The hose was $9.98.  I also select a small metal spice rack enhancer thingy   that raises the back spices up so one can see them.  It was $5.57.  Great!  I can finally get out of the store.  Yeah!  So, I’m in line with the same cashier and the customer service person calls me over to check out there.  Fine.  She finishes ringing me up and the total?  Yeah, $142.06.  I say, “Are you sure?  It was $137  before and then I added these two items for about $15.  She assures me that she is correct.  So, I go get a thing of bleach, laundry detergent, and dryer sheets because I just wanted to go home.  She adds those in and the total comes up to $150.04.  I pay my discounted price and take my purchases to the car. 

She had not charged me for 1 roll of wallpaper and 1 storage bin.  Sigh. 

Oh!  So Mr. T. and I went to the flea market yesterday and ordered our new kitchen table, bench, and kitchen island.  There is a man who makes custom farm furniture for a steal.  He takes orders at one flea market, goes home makes the furniture, and then brings it to the following month’s flea market to be picked up.  I happened to ask if he would deliver it.  He would.  So for less than the price of a new kitchen table at a “real” store we are getting a table, bench, and island made to our specifications and delivered.  Cool. 

In reproductive news when I went for the follicle scan on Thursday I had…*12*…follicles.  6 on each side.  Mr. T was excited.  I was terrified.  Luckily, none of them were big enough so I have to go back on Tuesday for another scan and hopefully we will have some that are big enough (but not 12!).  I guess when you are trying to shoot balloons with darts having a few targets is okay.  I just don’t want more than 3 targets.  Yikes! 

I have dropped a blueberry under my desk and since my desk is now a large table I can’t reach it.  I’m going to have to get down on my hands and knees and crawl under the desk to retrieve it.  Too bad Mollydog doesn’t like blueberries. 

I think I’m going to go try to get my craft area into some sort of semblance of order.  Then maybe I’ll go buy hangers and work on the bedroom. 

Oh!  Last night prior to the Lowe’s expedition there was the Hobby Lobby expedition.  I bought a hundred dollars worth of stained glass which I’m going to cut into rectangles.  Then Mr. T. and I are going to tile them around the bathtub and shower in the master bathroom.  I think it will be gorgeous!  That is our project for next Thursday-Sunday.  

Mr. T. goes to 2nd shift in August.  August starts next Saturday.  His days off will switch from Thursday and Friday to Saturday and Sunday.  Therefore he will have *4* days off.  That is just terrific.  Maybe we can get the house in order!  🙂

So, I have been on the new eating plan for 8 days now.  It is good.  It is a little tricky–no sugar, no grain, no dairy–but I feel great.  Mr. T. has been super supportive and helpful.  It just requires planning.  This morning I had berries with almond slivers.  Yum!  That’s better than cereal by far. 

I am watching some sort of big black bug crawl up my neighbors concrete foundation looking for a way in between the foundation and the siding.  Ick.

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CS Lewis

So, it’s Sunday morning, I’m trying to avoid packing, and thus looked to one of my favorite writers for some inspiriational thoughts.  C.S.Lewis eloquence never fails.  Here are a few of my favorites this morning.

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”

“Of all tyrannies a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive.”

“Some people feel guilty about their anxieties and regard them as a defect of faith but they are afflictions, not sins. Like all afflictions, they are, if we can so take them, our share in the passion of Christ.”

“Thirty was so strange for me. I’ve really had to come to terms with the fact that I am now a walking and talking adult.”

“This is one of the miracles of love: It gives a power of seeing through its own enchantments and yet not being disenchanted.”

“You don’t have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.”

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New blog?

So, I am sitting here having a quiet little debate in my head whether or not to start a new blog about infertility and treatments and that whole mess of suckage, err, I mean, opportunity.  I haven’t always been the best steward of this blog in terms of posting. 

Exhibit 1: Incomplete vacay details for the previous 2 posts. 

Exhibit 2: Months between posting at times. 

Further, I don’t see how having a seperate blog will increase my posting efficacy.  (I think I used that word appropriately.)  In fact, if the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, well, it might even decrease my posting at all…some random math formula like 1 post every few months /# of blogs = decrease in posting on this blog AND the other blog (how do you end a sentence with a math equation?).

Ultimately, though my recent reticence to post has been Mr. T’s amazing  family and my desire to not 1) put my deep thoughts (ha!) on the interwebs for their eyes and 2) that I was SURE that given the chance to post about the awfulness that was happening, that I would in fact vent, and in case they came across my blog I was concerned it would hamper any sort of progess/peace we might come to. 

But I find this annoying.  I am who I am and regardless of what I say or do they disapprove and aren’t going to like me.  I’m okay.  I’ve made peace with that.  I can be ignored.  Goodness knows I have learned to ignore misbehaving children so a little reminder of how that feels isn’t a bad thing.  I am wanting to be true to myself and talk about my life…I mean, that is the point of having a blog about ones life, right?  So. 

I think I have made a decision. 

Damn the torpedos!  Full speed ahead! 

This is my life and I’m going to live it the way I see fit and what I see fit to do right now is eat a bowl of cereal and discuss infertility treatments.

Chomp.

Slurp.

They suck.

No, I’m kidding.  Let me eat my cereal and I’ll be back…

Okay, the toast was not warm by the time I ate it but it was crisp so that’s okay.  The cereal was alright as well.  This is germaine to the topic as I have been flirting with the idea of doing a paleo-based diet for the next month to see what happens.  (I think what will happen is I will hate it.)  Basically, it is a further step back down the evolutionary timeline from the Traditional Foods diet I have been doing for the past several months (what I like about the TF diet is that at home I can cook that way but when dining out I don’t need to worry if grains have been soaked and such) to a diet that is only meat with fruits and vegetables.  No dairy.  No grains.  So, think caveman.  Pre-domestication of livestock and pre-farming.  Exciting!  I was turned onto the idea on one of the message boards I belong to talking about eatting this way as a “cure” for infertility.  Since I’m allergic to many things maybe this will help.  But that is pretty big step and from what I’ve read it is not effective unless it is 100% so that means eatting out I’d have to pay attention to how things are prepared and such.  Or not eat out which would be okay for a month–especially since I sit amid a stack of moving boxes to the ceiling and we are suppose to be in our new house on Tuesday!  Yahoo! and my new house have a loverly kitchen!!!  Double Yahoo!

So, I’m on CD1 today which means I have to get in touch with my RE and arrange to either see him sometime tomorrow or Tuesday so that I can get the prescription I need to start taking on CD3.  I will probaby try to get an appointment for tomorrow but since I’m taking the rest of the week off to move I really *have* to work tomorrow.  Ironically, this type of “where does my priority lie” type thinking is good training for being a parent but really inconvienent *this* week.  So essentially today and first thing in the morning I have to decide if we want to be able to try this month or not.  Sort like fixin’ to get ready I guess.  I have to take medicine days 3-7 so that a week or two later I might have a chance to conceive. 

Mr. T. and I joked about a stealing a baby.  The good thing about that is that there wouldn’t need to be planning and waiting involved.  We could just live our lives and then *poof* the day we drive down the road and Mr. T says, “That’s the one!” we hurry, jump out of the car, steal the baby, and voila, problem solved.  I added that we ought to steal the Mom to so she can cook, clean, do laundry, run errands, and watch the kid when we want to go out.  He pondered this idea and deduced, “I think what you are talking about is a maid.”  He’s right.  

You know, Mr. T and I have an unusually high percentage of couple friends who do not want to have children and have taken steps to ensure this does not happen.  I would leading you, the reader, astray, to say that they seem happy.  When in fact, I think they *are* happy.  Mr. T and I, on the other hand, have almost no friends with children.  It’s isn’t like we are in our 20’s when this would seem normal.  So he and I recently discussed that maybe we have all these childfree by choice people in our lives to help us through this and that maybe we shouldn’t have children.  He is adamantly opposed to this idea.  He wants to be a father. 

Which brings me to my next thought–if you can lie to yourself so well that you begin to believe BUT you believe that things work for the best and the way God intends is it still some sort of psychopathological condition?  What I’m saying is that my goal in life is to be a happy person even in bad circumstance because I believe that all is for good.  Even the things that are hard or suck.  So if I am willing to be happy without children because I believe there is God at work amongst that heartache even though I think I have wanted to be a Mom since my DNA was encoded (you know that how biological imperative) is it a lie?  I have been called “Pollyanna” many times in my life and I have always equated that with being called a liar.  Most of the time it just wasn’t true-I was okay/happy/content despite whatever yuckiness was going on.  I think I have digressed too far to recover the point and thus will immediately stop advancing the point.

My bottom line today is continued amazement at how what is typically a free thing to do and is done by people who neither want it nor are good at it all the time is going to cost Mr. T and I time, money, and be a roller coaster of emotion.  I have been preparing for this experience for the previous 10 years–since my diagnosis of PCOS and the grim infertility statistics that poses–but it is still hard.  But it will be okay. 

God can open doors we didn’t know existed.

I keep trying to stop writing and then think of other things.  And then forget them.  And think of other things.

So, last month I tested and tested and tested until I found out my progesterone was too low to have ovulated.  This month I am not going to test at all until I get my progesterone results back.   That way if things didn’t work I save myself the dollar per test plus the acrobatics and difficulty in trying to pee into a pipette.  Don’t ask. 

Now I’m really done, for real, as I have to get some packing done.

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