Monthly Archives: October 2009

Living. Breathing.

So I assembled our new lawn mower yesterday.   It is a reel mower.  You know the kind the Dad in the 1950’s movie is using?  It goes, “whir, whir, whir” as it essentially shaves the lawn. 

I also stepped off a curb and sprained my ankle pretty well.

Joe did the dishes.

We watched Dr. Who.

We are moving towards normal.  We are moving away from tears and grief.  We are moving into more fully knowing life because we have lost.  Yet that loss is bringing us more firmly into God, so, in the loss there is gain. 

We are moving through this together.  Together, we are moving through this.  Through this together, we are moving.


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Joy in the Rain

Songs I hear today made me cry and smile.

I Will Carry You- Selah

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I’m not
Truth is I’m barely hanging on
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says…

I’ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen Me
To carry you

Glory Baby by Watermark

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

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We buried BabyBean with an October Glory maple tree.  We read Psalm 139 and an excerpt from John Donne.  We cried. 

Psalm 139 1-18

1  O LORD, you have searched me
       and you know me.

 2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
       you perceive my thoughts from afar.

 3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
       you are familiar with all my ways.

 4 Before a word is on my tongue
       you know it completely, O LORD.

 5 You hem me in—behind and before;
       you have laid your hand upon me.

 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
       too lofty for me to attain.

 7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
       Where can I flee from your presence?

 8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
       if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.

 9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
       if I settle on the far side of the sea,

 10 even there your hand will guide me,
       your right hand will hold me fast.

 11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
       and the light become night around me,”

 12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
       the night will shine like the day,
       for darkness is as light to you.

 13 For you created my inmost being;
       you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
       your works are wonderful,
       I know that full well.

 15 My frame was not hidden from you
       when I was made in the secret place.
       When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

 16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
       All the days ordained for me
       were written in your book
       before one of them came to be.

 17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God!
       How vast is the sum of them!

 18 Were I to count them,
       they would outnumber the grains of sand.
       When I awake,
       I am still with you.

From John Donne: All mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated; God employs several translators; some pieces are translated by age, some by sickness, some by war, some by justice; but God’s hand is in every translation, and his hand shall bind up all our scattered leaves again for that library where every book shall lie open to one another.

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Tremendous Sorrow

I suffered a miscarriage on Saturday afternoon.  I’ll post more later.

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Monday Night Halo Fight

Mr. T is playing Halo beside me.  He says he is a grenade magnet tonight.  That made me laugh until I choked. (I was imagining a Halo character dressed in the Mr. Magnet costume…)

I’m wiped out but I haven’t had a nap today.  It’s the small steps that count.  I am going to go to bed in about an hour though.  So maybe the no nap comment doesn’t actually count…

Mr. T. and I have thrown together a nursery quite quickly.  We managed to score a crib and a changing table at a consignment sale for $40.  We had our painters throw a coat of paint on them and they are just gorgeous.  The room itself is painted.  Tonight we hung up the sleep sacks, onesies, sleepers, and other clothes I have picked up at consignment and children’s clothes sales in the past 4 weeks.  We definitely do not need anymore size 3-6 months clothes.  I did find 1 outfit the our child will never wear.  I’m not sure what I was thinking–it’s a preemie outfit for under 7 pounds.  Not likely.

One thing that I’m so excited about- we are buying 1 children’s book for each week of pregnancy.  So far we have caught up to week 7 and I’m in week 9 so we are almost caught up.  We have- Before you were Born, Where the Wild Things Are, Olivia, Jemima Puddleduck, The Snowy Day, The Pigeon Wants a Puppy, and Animalia.  Feel free to comment any suggestions for wonderful children’s books as we still have 33 to buy!  😀

Mr. T. made a big pot of potato/corn chowder last night which is super delicious!  I mean just downright fabulous!  I made some cheddar/garlic biscuits to go with my portion this afternoon.  Yum!  I might actually have that again for dinner tonight.  That wouldn’t be wrong would it?

I have not thrown up at all today!  Yeah!  Thank goodness for small victories!  In fact, it has been more than 24 hours.  Of course, I have had nothing but bland, white foods since the last incident which may have something to do with it.

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