Monthly Archives: February 2010

Weekend!

It’s Friday!  It’s Friday!

Mr. T. just texted to tell me that he has tomorrow and Sunday off.  Cool. 

Oh, wait.

My Mom is coming to help me get the house in order and decorate.  Um.  Mr. T. will be here. 

Look, they get along great, that’s not what I’m saying.  I’m saying that Mr. T. and I have yet to decorate because well, he has his stuff, and I have mine.  I was going to trust Mom to seamlessly combine his “man” stuff with my awesome stuff.  🙂  See.  It’s a j-o-k-e.  🙂  Which I think she can do.  But if we (as in Mr. T and I) are driving her crazy she may not be able to.  🙂

Mr. T. switches to nights next week.  Grumble.  At least at the end of the month we get to learn what his shift will be for the rest of the year.  Although we did get word that his early graduation from the previous training did not move him up in rank.  So he is still next to the last.  Oh, well.  It will be what it will be and we will make do.  Please not 3rd, please not 3rd! 

My friend Russ (I think it is okay for me to put his name since I’m about to plug his new game but if he doesn’t like it he can tell me!) just released his new game Warlords of Europe.  It is a pure ameritrash board game meaning that it is long and you play until people are defeated or concede…but is was fun to learn and watch.  I’m not a sit around and watch other people have a good time kinda person.  I want to get in there and play too!  But last night I was content just to sit and watch (strange!) and even turned down playing other games to watch Warlords of Europe.  That is saying something about the interest of the game.  The mechanics work such that the game is balanced and while complicated, I think accessible.  I have a signed and numbered copy!  😀  You can get yours here:  http://www.conquestgaming.com/warlords/

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Supposed to

I am supposed to be up and dressed, ready to walk out the door in 10 minutes.  Instead, I’m still cuddled in bed with the laptop on my lap and the dog curled up next to me.  I’m so hungry.  I’m thirsty.  I have bad breath.  But instead of being responsible, I’m checking email, reading blogs, and posting here. 

Sigh.

No discipline!  Left to my own devices I definitely have no discipline.  Yesterday I did 5 loads of laundry, put 6 loads away (there were 4 loads already clean and waiting to be put away before the 1st load went in the wash), moved the television and the thing it was sitting on into the loft, moved the dresser from one wall to the next…basically I got a ton done.  So, I’m feeling really lazy this morning.  I have a lot to do today–working, paperwork, TGD board meeting, and that’s just the stuff I am remembering right now.

But I’m still in bed. 

Oh, well…

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What Grace Feels Like

I guess the title may be inaccurate as I don’t *know* that what I’ve been feeling and even today feel is *grace* but I do know it is radically different from anything I have felt before.

Light.

Optimistic.

Secure.

And just when I start to think that the feeling is going to give way or dissolve into feelings of loss, worry, and sadness…IT DOES NOT.  If anything the feeling stirs and intensifies.  As if the literal hand of the Lord was hugging me.  It is simply AMAZING. 

It is pretty easy for me to talk myself into a funk (I’m also occassionally able to do the opposite) so I *know* without doubt that this feeling is not of me.  Typically when I delve headlong into the abyss I come undone.  I haven’t been *able* to dive into the abyss this time.  Not one toe.  Not one bit. 

Given that my first inclination is to self torture–to think of the things I could have done differently, or search for a way that I am complicit, guilty.  I once heard a sermon whose point was that the devil wants us to relive, regret, and repeat…that Jesus has already done the work of forgiveness for us…all we have to do is ask…but the devil wants us to forget that forgiveness and really focus on how badly we have messed up and what wretched people we are.  I’m really good at that!  No, seriously!  I might be a prize winning reliver and regretter…but not here.  Not now.

I am being saved from myself.  I am being shepherded through this valley.  I am being carried.  Lifted.  And the I just cannot describe how wonderful this is.  

God be praised!  

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Now for more earthly news. 

We went to IKEA.

Oh, my goodness!

I am so pleased!

We have 2 new bathroom cabinets.  I am just thrilled with them.  The bathroom vanity is remarkably clean and empty.  We actually have a room in this house that isn’t a huge mess.  I’m going to try to ride that wave of cheery, organization into our bedroom and *finally* get it where I want it (please read that as lacking 3 loads of laundry on the floor, lacking 4 baskets of clean laundry on the floor, furniture rearranged, excess furniture moved out, all construction supplies gone…) and keep it that way.  Perhaps the organizers credo of “a place for everything and everything in its place” is true after all!

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Gone

Our little Acorn began passing this morning. 

I am filled with an incredible amount of peace.  God is here.  He is in this.   It is his plan.  His plans work for good.  I cannot explain this acceptance or peace.  I cannot explain the calm.  It is a miracle.  He has performed a miracle–not with the life inside me but with the life inside ME.  I am still.  I know that he is. 

Goodbye Baby Acorn.  We will surely miss you but I am so comforted to know that you have a big brother or sister waiting for you to show you all the best parts of Heaven. 

You were with us here for 5 weeks 1 day and you brought so much joy.  You live on in our hearts.  Helping to welcome the children who will join our family earthside and making that day all the sweeter.

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Morning

Today has brought more questions and still no answers…

There is such a thing as a “heterotopic” pregnancy.  This mean you have a baby in the uterus and one in the fallopian tube…sort of a one of each variety thing going on.  It can cause falling Betas.  While it is extremely rare in the wild amongst those of us needing to pay to get pregnant (aka infertile) the odds go down to 1 in 100.  Huh.  That would be something to ask a doctor about, no?

TOO BAD MY DOC TOR HAS YET TO CALL ME.

Yes, you read correctly…evidently he’s “busy”.

Oh, puke.

It wouldn’t be my favorite part of the job to let a mama know she had a dead baby inside her or that the baby she currently carried had a death sentence but I’d do it if that were my job.  But you know what…I’m not a DOCTOR.  My DOCTOR is a DOCTOR and therefore SHOULD HAVE ALREADY CALLED!

Yeah, so I guess I’m going through the “anger” stage of grieving. 

Mr. T is fantastic and took today off of work to hang out with me so I didn’t have to be a surly, angery woman who was also all alone.  He’s wonderful. 

We went and saw a musical last night.  We had the tickets and I insisted that we go.  I’m glad that I did.  It was better than sitting on the couch feeling miserable.  Nothing quite like bawling in public to make one glad to be out and about.  Amazingly, at intermission Mr. T (yeah, I *told* you he was fantastic…he goes to musicals with me…willingly!) and I were able to have a brief conversation about where we go from here.  He’d like to try again if I’m up for it. 

Surprisingly, I am.

Not today.  Obviously.  I believe I’m still a little bit pregnant today and being like that woman from Missouri and being pregnant twice but not with twins would just be awkward at this point.  But in thinking about his question…there is no choice but to love and to perservere…to take the risk…

I guess ultimately, that is the message of this loss.  That Love is about heartbreak and risk.  Love is being willing to take those steps and take the pain and continue on.

How sweet this pain is…the losing of potential…even at this early point the ending of dreams…but it is not the ending of Love.  If anything it is a strengthening…of Love for God who blessed us with baby and will lead us through this valley, of Love for Mr. T who again has shown amazing capacity to take in this situation and respond with care and kindness, of Love for our BabyBean and now our BabyAcorn…who will never know heartache or suffer…who will only know perfect Love. 

We will plant an oak treee in our yard.  We will put one foot in front of the other and continue on.  We will try again.  We will continue to breathe.  We will continue to Love. 

LOVE.

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The Life I dreamed…

Will be leaving me soon…

2nd Beta 37

There is a verse in a song I quite like, “Did I dream this belief or did I believe this dream?” 

That sums up where I am right now…

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Do the Time Warp Shuffle

So I had my second beta draw today.  I asked the lab tech when my results would be ready.  I have a fancy doctor’s office that has a website that posts results to a special page just for me.  Only the page hasn’t been working–my beta from Tuesday still hasn’t posted for instance–so I wanted to know what to expect.  She says, “An hour and a half.”

Three and a half hours later I call the doctors office.  I speak with the nurse.  She takes my information and says she’ll have to get back to me (uh, oh!).  I set my alarm during my afternoon nap for 4:45pm.  I check the webpage, no update.  I call the office.  “Your doctor’s office is currently closed if this is an emergency, hang up, and dial 911.”

Well, shoot.  *I* think this is an emergency…but my Mr. T. knows better.  He says, “Just call them in the morning.”  Grrr.  He won’t be here in the morning.  I will be alone in the morning.  Well, one is never alone if one is with God and I am but still.  I guess this is just one more challenge to my sanity!

As my Mom told me tonight, “You are going to drive yourself nuts if you are thinking about this pregnancy in terms of hours…”

Yeah, well, pwhhhttttttttt.

I want to know my beta.  I want to know my beta NOW.  Yes, I may be channeling Veruca Salt a wee bit but gosh, it has been well over an hour and a half since that needle pierced my vein!

Hopefully I’ll hear something tomorrow…

4 weeks + 4  days

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